Lesser Britain

Damn shoulda dropped it further left. (Tetris joke!)

Wed, 22 May 2013 22:29:43 -0400

Damn shoulda dropped it further left. (Tetris joke!)

tyleredits: I’m now requiring Kira to replicate this at every...

Sat, 18 May 2013 22:25:06 -0400

tyleredits:

I’m now requiring Kira to replicate this at every event we go to that requires applause.

It looks like she’s saying “You’re so hate”

One of my first graders has a new hobby of walking around the...

Wed, 15 May 2013 13:31:38 -0400

One of my first graders has a new hobby of walking around the room and writing down words. He slipped this to me, upside down, with a sly smile and walked away slowly as though it was going to be a love note.

7 AM CHP

Wed, 15 May 2013 10:47:38 -0400

When I’m on the freeway and I glance behind me to see flashing red and blue lights, interrupting everybody’s morning groove, they look so out of place, more like flailing than flashing. They look like the loud fool at the party, while everyone else is just having a mellow time; green-faced with a long pink tongue, slapping cheek to cheek, lanky upper arms, knocking into each ear as they volley back and forth over his head, yipping loudly and demanding everybody’s groaning attention. Oh god, this guy. We’ve seen this guy a few times before, he’s always alone, and every time, it’s been terribly unpleasant for everyone. C’mon dude, let us help you get home. Everything was fine before you got here.

So listen, Don’t wait This holds nerve-tingling...

Tue, 14 May 2013 19:21:00 -0400

So listen, Don’t wait

This holds nerve-tingling significance for me for 4 reasons that are all jetting into this current moment from the tips of a square but I’m not going to elaborate because this is tumblr and I am a teenager

This caused me to cry and I am now crying.

Tue, 14 May 2013 19:03:00 -0400

This caused me to cry and I am now crying.

Comedy Death Ray - Comedy Death Ray by Various Artists on Spotify

Tue, 14 May 2013 10:34:14 -0400

Comedy Death Ray - Comedy Death Ray by Various Artists on Spotify:

Listen to the Andy Daly one. LISTEN TO IT

When you’re lying to yourself, you can go long periods of time without focusing on what you’re...

Sun, 12 May 2013 00:08:16 -0400

When you’re lying to yourself, you can go long periods of time without focusing on what you’re doing, as long as you’re not by yourself. When you’re by yourself, the reminders try to bob up from being held under, like that occasional off-tasting bite of seasoned chicken that reminds you you’re eating a carcass.

Audio

Sat, 11 May 2013 23:40:01 -0400

That’s What Dads Are For by Steven Wonder

Fri, 10 May 2013 02:10:44 -0400

That’s What Dads Are For by Steven Wonder

My news source is having a little too much “fun”...

Mon, 06 May 2013 01:54:43 -0400

My news source is having a little too much “fun” over at the ol’ office

.every year itch

Sun, 05 May 2013 21:56:00 -0400

Today I have a daughter named London and I’m not married and her father is dead but we were in love while he was still alive. He was able to hold her only twice before he passed on; I knew that he was sick when we made love and I knew I would lose him, so I found a way to keep him with me. London and I live in Bushwick. I have enough money to send her to a daycare because I run my own business and all of her toys are wooden and smell like tea-tree oil.

Next week I do not have a daughter, I am staying in the Czech Republic, I have never been married. I have a Czech boyfriend who loves me too much and he owns a deli but he acts in at least two local theater productions per week. Patrons of the deli recognize him and he sometimes gives them extra pickles and meat, if he’s not too stressed out about an upcoming play. I visit him in the deli and he lets me read in the back; the butcher always acts like he’s going to drop shaved roast beef right onto the page I’m looking at and then he says “Woop!” but he never does. He’s always playing plinky music with harps, the exact opposite type of music you’d expect a man to listen to while he carves carcass.

In four months, I live in Belleview and I am miserable, but I know I will get to leave soon. I am saving money to leave soon.

In 16 months, I live in Brussels but the people there are very obvious and I haven’t found have a community. I have two friends, Kasia and John, and we meet and talk about books together. John likes to talk about bad television and Kasia and I like to listen because John has a kind little nose. I work with children at an after school program. I wake up at noon almost every day and I’ve learned many ways to prepare egg whites. I have a list of 175 Brussels Attractions bookmarked on my computer and Kasia and I have been to 3 together. She has lived there in Brussels for 10 years, but the list is mostly unknown to her. She is in the publishing business but she does not have a favorite book. John has 13 favorite books. He reads every night after television.

In 2.5 years I live in Tokyo, for 5 months, and I have the money but I don’t have to spend it because I meet a father figure who wants to take care of me and it’s not a sexual thing. I think I must have seen this in a movie but I can never remember any movies and I never ask the father figure what movie it could be. The city has sped up my heart beat and the tempo of his speech have slowed it down. I can’t decide which I prefer.

In 4.8 years I am in Glassell Park. Every week or so, my best friend and I go out to pick up the second L that has fallen down in the sign on the hill. We feel it is our way to express our dedication to the neighborhood. My best friend has always been my best friend, even as I’ve moved around. I wrote letters to her and she emailed, because her fingers weren’t formed for printing. She is about to get married and she is almost going to have their baby. I’m not afraid that things will change, I know they will only get better. I know I will never be alone. The baby will make me a god. When I am a god, I can create whatever I want. What I want, for now, is this.

I just called the City of Los Angeles Department of Recreation and Parks to ask about a venue for my...

Sun, 05 May 2013 19:35:00 -0400

I just called the City of Los Angeles Department of Recreation and Parks to ask about a venue for my birthday and the guy on the phone was so flustered and he kept apologizing because he was the only one there and also had to answer radio calls while trying to help me and a radio call would come through every 30 seconds and he’d apologize and then listen to it and I’d hear things like:

Radio guy: Just combine them, please.

Phone guy: I don’t understand what you’re saying!

Radio guy: Something like this happened earlier, just put them in the same email.

Phone guy: Ummm OKAY?

and then he’d apologize to me again and say,”Hi, hold on, I just have to put this in my computer or I’ll forget it.” but he never put me on hold when he took the radio calls so I have now received word that there is a FAMILY WHO IS WALKING WITH A CANDELABRA UP TOWARDS THE OLD ZOO AND IT IS NOT KNOWN IF THEY’RE GOING TO LIGHT IT OR NOT, CODE 6, FAMILY WITH CANDELABRA. THEY DO NOT KNOW IF THEY’RE GOING TO LIGHT IT OR NOT.

Then he apologized again, put that is his computer, got a call about an adolescent girl trapped on the side of the road, tried to answer another phone call but had trouble switching lines, then came back and said, “Okay, I’m so so so sorry, I just HAVE to write this down…okay now what are you talking about? I can’t picture that area in my mind. The bird sanctuary? Ohhhh, I know what place you’re talking about. Why would you want to have a birthday party there? I mean, why? I guess I can’t see why you can’t have it there but there are some lewd acts that have taken place in that area, so watch your children.”

So, I’ve chosen where I’m going to have my birthday party.

I’ve received a package of my lords from my lord

Sun, 05 May 2013 11:38:51 -0400

I’ve received a package of my lords from my lord

"I guess she might just be the hilarious apex of yolo culture, mixed with the type of mental ruin..."

Fri, 03 May 2013 22:28:45 -0400

““I guess she might just be the hilarious apex of yolo culture, mixed with the type of mental ruin that is specific to hollywood/fame. I say keep it coming! The beloved selfie artist is a living, breathing Spring Breakers.””

- The most illuminating response I’ve received after asking the question, “What is going on with Amanda Bynes?”

I’m not kidding, exaggerated numbers are the only things that...

Thu, 02 May 2013 15:32:50 -0400

I’m not kidding, exaggerated numbers are the only things that make me laugh out loud anymore. It’s like this, that scene from Zoolander where he wakes up to 1200 messages and that scene from Joy Ride where Steve Zahn orders 12 cheeseburgers. All other jokes = silent observation from me. What’s my deal.

slaughterhouse90210: “Communication is truth; communication is...

Thu, 02 May 2013 12:25:01 -0400

slaughterhouse90210:

“Communication is truth; communication is happiness. To share is our duty; to go down boldly and bring to light those hidden thoughts which are the most diseased; to conceal nothing; to pretend nothing; if we are ignorant to say so; if we love our friends to let them know it.”

― Virginia Woolf, The Common Reader: First Series

I hate you all through this stupid little rectangle

Wed, 01 May 2013 20:55:29 -0400

I hate you all through this stupid little rectangle

For my own good, I need to learn to be near the apathy of others without emotionally and physically...

Wed, 01 May 2013 15:12:49 -0400

For my own good, I need to learn to be near the apathy of others without emotionally and physically deteriorating.

Sit home and read, when you’re young and full of free time. Then, when you’re older and...

Wed, 01 May 2013 11:31:16 -0400

Sit home and read, when you’re young and full of free time. Then, when you’re older and have less free time and more understanding, be reckless, as reckless as your mediated wisdom and desire will allow. I wish that was the order. I could have read much more and cried much less. But then again, I’d feel left out.